Why Black Men find it Harder to Settle DOWN!

In our society, we are given precise and clearly defined roles of men and women in relationships. So why it is that many black women are finding it so hard to find and establish positive, long-lasting relationships with black men? Is it that black men as a group no longer value family and healthy relationships? Many of my female friends are frustrated with the slim pool of eligible men to date and ultimately, settle down with.

In this article, I will attempt to shed a little light on some reasons that prevent many of our men from wanting to settle down with a black women or at all. I would like to first explain the role of a man in a relationship as defined by our society. Men are taught that in order to hold the title of "Man" or “Real Man” we must provide, protect, and lead our families. My belief is, most black men are willing and able to play this role for their significant others and children. The opposing question then becomes "what’s stopping them?" We must start having conversations like so we can determine the root cause of the issues.
For one, we live in a society where the playing field is not always even and then rules are made up and controlled by the opposing team. This is in no way an excuse for those black men that are comfortable and content with just getting by. However, I think it is important for us to understand how obstacles set before us affect the group and the way men view themselves in relationships.

Most men in others races understand that providing for their family is one of the most important things and is a priority. How is a man supposed to provide for those he love without him ending up jail or dead? The correct answer is, Get a job or start your own business or enterprise.

Simple right?

Well, not quite. Currently, the national unemployment is at about 5%, which doesn’t seem too bad? But when we look at the unemployment rate amongst black men in major black cities, statistics reveal, black male unemployment is as high as 50%! When it comes to creating a business, we find barriers in securing capital to branch out on our own. In most cases, to qualify for funding you must at least have good credit and/or a good job. Black men are constantly frustrated with statistics listed above and realize the deck has been stacked against them. The effect of this epidemic results in our women supporting our families in many cases. This creates conflict in relationships where the man feels like he isn’t the man in his relationship but is seen as another child to be taken care of by his woman.

Next up is Protection. This is another duty of a man. It’s open season on black men and it has been for some time. At any point a traffic stop or being in the right place at the wrong time could lead to incarceration or even death. I’ve seen YouTube videos where black men are pulled out of their cars in front of their wife, girlfriends, and even children. They are beaten, arrested and castraded in front of the people he is programed to protect. Which stems back to how overseers would break male slaves in front of their families in order to show total dominance and superiority.  This takes a major toll on a man and even his family’s views of him. Perhaps even what it means to be a black man. The fact that this can happen at any given time leaves many brothers feeling that his woman and children are better off without him. This may sound silly to some, however, many black men at all levels (from street cats to corporate executives) know this as reality and is very true. How do you protect your women and children when at any given moment you may need protection?

At least loving your family is free and easy right? Well, between the constant targets on your chest, the daily negative images shown of us in print, news, and entertainment, many black men suffer with self-hate issues, post-traumatic stress disorder, and even suicide thoughts on a very regular bases. These issues are played out in reckless behaviors such as the over use of drugs and alcohol, promiscuity, violent crimes, and even child abandonment. Many of our brothers are walking around with the weight of the world on their shoulders with little to no moral support to work through or even express their feelings. This has historically been the very important role of the black woman.

Now, many black women are being forced into the classic male role forcing many men into the decision of not wanting to settle down. It is not that they are incapable of loving or being loved, but many are feeling that they do not measure up to the standards that have been set for "real men" in our society. No man of any race wants to feel less than a man. As a black man we battle this feeling on a daily bases and have for hundreds of years. On top of that some of our women have taken on the mentality of the same system that has created this condition for our men. Malcom X clearly stated, If you're not careful, the newspapers will have you hating the people who are being oppressed, and loving the people who are doing the oppressing.”  This defines exactly what is being done to black men today in the media.

 Ladies black men love and adore you despite what the media and other mediums are leading you all to believe. We must work together as men and women to change the status quo as it stands today. There is much work to be done but this work cannot begin until we take the time to understand each other and what we are facing as a race of people in this country. The family is the foundation of the community and the nation. Without it we will not stand a chance at a future for our race in this country. Once black men are able to once again be able to freely be "MEN" you all will see the improvement in our relationships and families. Men are men. When your ability to be a man is systematically under attack it makes it much harder to step into roles that are defined by men without the same obstacles.

To my brothers: I know it’s not easy out here, but we must continue to do the best we can to build for ourselves, our women, and our families. Ladies, we need your love and support. With you all standing beside us, we will rebuild our nation to the glory that has always been ours. 

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